Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

the saddest jazz hands ever

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.