Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries