think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
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[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Good morning!
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
early stone age tool
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.