Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

Feel. He’s so soft.