think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
You Might Also Like
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Forever 21… pounds overweight
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else