Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant