Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Dead sexy!!
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I have a type: disappointing
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
He took my last fry, your honor
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa