@amishschool

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

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@lucytweet1

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

@GlennyRodge

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

@CoopSoSarc

We decided to go out for bbq tonight.

As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.

@julezmac

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

@wickedsuga

All the world does is try to tear us apart.

-me to my bed every morning

@DrakeGatsby

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

@FatherWithTwins

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

@SuMacDan

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

@DammitErin

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.