Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

You Might Also Like


Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about


When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good.
No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface.
You too, ladies.


*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*


fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt


[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”


I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.


Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?


My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?


My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?


Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary


When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.