Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Worth a try
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.