@Bagyants
Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about
@amishschool
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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@Bagyants
@Illiter8
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good.
No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface.
You too, ladies.
@FrenulumBreve
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
@justokdane
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
@Tmoney68
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
@ItsAndyRyan
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
@normalguycaruso
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
@thepaulahunt
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
@fro_vo
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
@JermHimselfish
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.