Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

☺️

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle