Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
You wish you had this many chins.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers