Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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Beware…..
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.