Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
new record!
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants