think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
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LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.