think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies