think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
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Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?