At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
My sex drive has a dui
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Breaking news:
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector