I don’t discriminate;
– thin cake
– fat cake
– round cake
– flat cake
– upside down cake
I love them all equally.
Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.