“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
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I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car