“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
