Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

I think about this a lot

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

cyclists

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.