My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
You Might Also Like
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?