Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.