Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

Hero horse inspires millions

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

*seductively eats two tums*

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.