Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
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the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough