Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
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If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped