Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

PARKOUR

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

What

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me: