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@hyperblastchic

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

@joeljeffrey

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

@Carbosly

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

@yonewt

If I had wings, I’d spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

@EyeSeeYou619

Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.

@DillDoes

*secret agent slaps me*
I’ll never give you answers
*he grabs my throat*
“WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA”
*spits*
I’d rather die

@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

@TheAlexNevil

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

@joeljeffrey

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.