Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
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Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Cake safety first. Always.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.