Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My dad.
