Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.