Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

My inexpensive home security system…

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.