Thinking about a snail with a limp
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Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Pat is about to own someone
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.