Thinking about a snail with a limp
You Might Also Like
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.