Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.