thinking about a very short hotdog
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The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.