thinking about a very short hotdog
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True?
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
So the ex texted me
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
*offers Batman cough drops*
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.