Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
My favorite type of men is ramen.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes