Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
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I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Grew big
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.