Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
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LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
can you read it!!??
maan!
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.