Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Thursday Thought.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.