Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.