Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now