Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
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*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies