thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
That’s incredible! 👌
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.