Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute