thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
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P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You deplete me
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting