Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
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I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?