I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
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I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room
I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.
Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.
Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!
Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?