@Loli_Sug

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

@DaddyJew

I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room

*giggles*

@kevnasto

I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.

@LaBelleMae

Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.

@AlexvanBeek

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

@_Shizzle

They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.

@LittleMissAngr1

Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!

Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

@1followernodad

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

@ShockTartBionic

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?