Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
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nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?