Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
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I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
sigh
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
😅🤣😂
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!