Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Unmatched

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands