Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
You Might Also Like
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.