Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)