Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
when unicorns get really drunk
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*