Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.