Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
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Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Oops
forgive me baja for i have blast
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.