Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

Every work meeting this week

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

This is me 🤣🤣

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”