Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
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me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
😆this is so true
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”