Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…