Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.