Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”