Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Muppet Screams
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*