Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
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Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
me opening up to someone
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
At ease
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing