Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Hilarious if literal: arms race

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.