Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
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ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.