Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
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It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
🌲😼
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*