Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.