Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
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them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
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Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck