Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”