Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.