Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
You Might Also Like
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes