thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real