thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
This kid is going places
🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.