thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.