thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
wishing you and yours all the best
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things