Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

hey, alexa

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.