thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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Worst bar ever.
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.