Thinking about Jeff
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A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Imma just leave this here…………
