Thinking about Jeff
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
A drum solo but on your face.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Pringles
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
