Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Every haunted house movie:
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
