thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
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Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
shampoo implies shampee
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching