thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do