thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
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Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.