thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
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Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit